As an invitation for you to read The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute, let me share a personal story with you.
After graduating from college, I had some trouble finding a job.
Eventually, after a series of disappointments over a period of what felt like an eternity of desperation, I was offered a position at a national retailer as an assistant manager.
By this time I was excited just to have a job!
A few months into my new role, a shift in upper management took place. It turned out that the district manager who hired me and the store manager who trained me (at a distant store) were let go for some misconduct.
When the new district manager came in, (We will call him Charles.) he was quick to throw his “weight” around. He began to make requests and put initiatives in place that I did not agree with.
His view of making things better were, in my eyes just making things worse.
Eventually, I had enough.
Things were just fine before Charles came around and now I hated the thought of working for this man. I finally came to the point were I decided to quit. I thought he was a jerk. Good riddance!
I’m sure the feeling was mutual as he had no qualms about me leaving the company. So, I left, confident in the rightness of my cause and supremely confident in his absolute wrongness toward me… even though I really wanted and needed that job.
Here are some questions I’d like you to consider as you think about my story:
Who in this story (me or Charles) thought the other needed to change? (both of us?)
Who was likely to change? (neither of us?)
Do you suppose I gave much thought about the challenges he was facing in his new role? (no!)
If I had stayed with this company, what would our relationship have looked like going forward? (fake, compliant, etc.?)
Do you suppose my leaving the company made me think differently of Charles? (of course not!)
How long do you suppose I have been thinking negatively about Charles since I left? (I can tell you – a very long time.)
What could have helped us to avoid all of this unpleasantness?
What could have broken the cycle of interpersonal warfare in which we were engaged?
The Anatomy of Peace answers this final question in striking detail and depth.
This book, after nearly 20 years of feeling self-righteous and justified in leaving this company, has finally helped me to see how I had been wrong in this situation.
Understand, my being wrong didn’t make Charles right.
What was wrong about this situation was something more subtle and deeper than the level of our behaviors. It is this deeper and more subtle something that forms the basis for the solution to challenges like those that Charles and I had created for each other.
Ever since the day I left that job in anger and self-righteousness, I continued to feel justified in my position toward Charles.
Charles was just a big jerk.
After reading The Anatomy of Peace and after some deep reflection, I finally realized that I had been resistant to Charles’ authority.
While it is possible that he could have handled things better, looking back, it was I who had applied a generally resistant attitude toward people in positions of authority my whole life.
To all the Charles’ I have come across and resisted along the way, at home, at work, and in the community, I am sorry. It had nothing to do with what you stood for or who you were.
It had everything to do with who I needed to convince myself that I was.
Please forgive me.
I hope this has been helpful to you. Please leave a comment and let me know!
Peace.
Bill Frase is a partner at Authentic Abundance.
Photo by - Olga Lednichenko
Bill,
Interesting perspective.
Reminds me of the Shakespeare quote “Tis nothing neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.”
I once had a boss who, in my opinion, was a jerk. In fact, I have had more than one jerk appear in my life from time to time. They have appeared as boss, as colleague, as customer and as unscrupulous accountant.
But, what if “Like calls to like” is actually true and at play here?
Perhaps, I’m the jerk.
No! Couldn’t be!
Food for thought.
Thanks for sharing your story and your point of view as you’ve uncovered by reading The Anatomy of Peace.
Best regards,
John
Thanks, John! As I look over my life, it has been abundantly clear that it has been the violence within my own heart that has kept me at war with others. This does not make the others right, but I am responsible for how I respond to others regardless of their behavior.
Well Bill, it’s a good thing that I have time to see authority resistance in the right light from this point forward. The Anatomy of Peace does quite the job of encouraging us to look in the mirror when assigning responsibility. Thanks for your inspiration.
Thank you, Tom for playing along with me!
It’s been quite a journey and I think we are still only scratching the surface of what is possible.
Others may resist my humanity, and yet that does not automatically give me permission to resist theirs in turn.
It is a constant discipline, and gosh darn it, if sometimes I just really feel the need to be right. It’s a powerful addiction, needing to be right, and one I pray that I will ultimately be empowered to release before I leave this world.
Peace, my brother. Peace.
Wow Bill, been there and done that myself. It’s unnatural to to see someone having authority over us because it does not exist. Of course our personality does not like to do this but as you figured out it would have served you better to have just accepted his perceived authority.
Thanks for your thoughts, Justin!
I believe that authority does exist, and that just like any behavior, one can engage in authoritative behaviors in two ways: 1. in resistance to the humanity of other people (as Charles did with me and I with him) or 2. in responsiveness to the humanity of other people. I have had managers who have always treated me in a responsive manner. And I am very grateful for them. Some have treated me as a human being, not as an object, enemy, obstacle, irrelevancy, or vehicle. And this has made all of the difference to me. I wish that I could say that I have always treated my managers as responsively as many of them have treated me. Alas, I cannot. Regardless of how I have been wrong toward people over the years, I have been very blessed with some wonderful managers.
From where I’m at now, I feel that I would have done best by Charles to have accepted his humanity. I think that if I had done that, his “authority” might have become a non-issue for me. I made it an issue because I was resistant to Charles not because of who he really was as a person, but because of who I thought he was as an authority figure, a stereotype. I was prejudiced against him and provoked him to play the role I thought he should play with me. It is this that I regret most as I consider my contributions to the so-called quality of our relationship. I missed opportunities to get to know someone and to care about someone other than myself.
I don’t know if this makes sense to you, but it is what feels true to me right now.
Thanks for your comment!
All the best!
Peace.
Bill,
Great article, I too have spent way to much time pole vaulting over mouse poop. ( as I call it now). How great life is when we realize that trying to change others simply can not be done. It is truly ourselves that we have control over.
It has been a joy to watch you grow Bill. I have learned a lot from you. Thank you!
Hi Carol!
Thanks so much for your comment! I’ve learned a lot from you too!
Peace and blessings!
Bill